Quantcast
Channel: Raising Arrows
Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 5

Is There Anything Worse Than This?

0
0

Raising Arrows
Is There Anything Worse Than This?

“Can you think of anything worse than this?”

Those were the words she spoke into my life just a few days after Emily’s death in February of 2008.

My answer?

“Yes.  Losing another.”

She, who had lost 3 children, had no reply.  She wanted to comfort me, but I was living in fear.

Fear of the known.

The days and nights following Emily’s death have no timeline.  They were fluid, like a giant ribbon waving in the wind.  But, somewhere in there, my oldest child came down with the flu.  Not the throw up kind.  The fever kind.  Emily’s death followed a fever.  Would I lose him too?

Losing Emily brought the reality of death into my world.  Children don’t always outlive their parents.  Children can and do die.  And just because I had lost one precious little one did not exempt me from this tragedy happening again…and again…and again.

God is sovereign.  Some days I am okay with that.  Some days I freely give Emily and all the others.

Some days.

Then I have days when my whole body aches over the memory of that day nearly 3 years ago.  I ache with the thought of losing another child.  Yes, I survived.  But it isn’t something I want to do again.

Ever.

And then I read of another mother’s loss.  I want to rid my house of every dresser, every bathtub, every electrical outlet.  I want to breathe normal again.  The kind of normal that doesn’t see the world this way.  The kind of normal that doesn’t wonder

If?

When?

I tell people who haven’t lost a child not to live in fear of a nightmare that doesn’t belong to them, but what do I tell people who live in fear of a nightmare that DOES belong to them?  What do I tell myself?

I fear something very real.  But I cannot live there.

I cannot live in a place where everywhere I turn is a vision of yet another of my children taking their last breath.  I have to close the doors on those rooms.  I have to walk away from that place altogether.

I visited Emily’s grave last week.  We had just been to the mortuary to finalize plans for Emily’s headstone.

Three years later.

We also purchased 4 more plots.  “Neighbor control,” we joked.  Behind the smiles, fear spoke,

“I hope.”

I hope no one else needs these plots.  I hope Emily is alone there until my tired old bones are lying next to hers.  “Oh Lord, please, no more.”

And then I remember…

Man is like a breath; His days are like a passing shadow.

There IS something worse than this.  There IS something worse than losing every single one of my children.

Losing every single one of my children FOREVER.

And so I take a deep breath to remind myself just how long this life is,

I lay my fear at His feet,

and move forward.

Is There Anything Worse Than This?
Amy


Viewing all articles
Browse latest Browse all 5

Latest Images

Trending Articles





Latest Images